In a box

Thursday, 31 August 2017

八月三十一号: 我们爱过。


两年前的今天, 我听见你告白中的颤抖。凌晨一点钟, 我们在同一个城市里。在你出发到泰国的早上。我问你,是幻觉吗? 坚定而悸动,我的质疑里并没有抗拒。你从刚开始总爱戏弄我的叫我妹妹,到深夜舍不得挂电话却昏昏欲睡的叫我宝贝,我们曾经拥有过美好的回忆。

一个月后我们分开。送我回家的那个凌晨,你在电话另一边问我,可以不要走吗? 即便你是第三个除了爹地妈咪以外,支持我深造的人。 但我知道彼此多么的不舍。依稀记得那一幕幕的场景和你说的每一句话,因为,我选择留住美好,你的好。


两年后的今天,我们是否还爱着对方?你说的那些诺言我还记得。我还记得在我快撑不住压力时候,你静静的聆听我诉说。曾经,你的声音成了我们俩1723公里以外的动力。曾经, 我为了保护这份感情而受过无尽的伤痛,只不过为了证明你是真的。我诚心的待人,认为只要真心诚意,我会被真爱而爱。


坚强独立的性格让我不曾认真的告诉你我的感觉。理智的我一直知道自己要的是什么,更知到彼此并不适合,但是我的感情里从来没有一点虚假, 没有任何强求,唯一的就只是努力。我以为如果你知道我的好,你不会那么轻易的让我离开,离开了你的身边,更离开的你的简讯荧幕,渐渐的,离开的所有你能看到的状态的平台,离开你的心。


我告诉自己别再为这份感情而哭,我做到了。但是我做不到不让自己痛心,不让自己觉得受伤。如果你的心依然留在离开你的那个人,你不该走进我真心对待你的心。如果你知道我的好,为什么总是舍得让我流泪。

爱情是相互的。你说过你希望爱情里的四点。在我没有缺少任何一点的当儿,你是否在意我要的只有一点:真心。两年的时间我想了很多,放弃不是因为我屈服于他们一开始便告诉我你不是我要的人,而是我知道, 至少我努力过, 我不后悔。你在我决心付出的时候出现,也在我失去对爱情憧憬的现在离开。

我一直留意你的在线,也大略知道你的动向,只因为我想证明给自己,我做到你要的四点,其中一点即是知道对方在做着什么。我知道你好几次不经意的给我的照片按赞却马上删除,即使是那样,我发现自己却不经意的笑了。为什么你让我的爱情那么卑微?我不该拥有一个拥护我的爱情么?为了一个公平的关系,我不渗入任何会让你有一丝怜悯的故事,你问我为什么不常提起你问过我的问题, 原因是我想要一个公平的感情。

我们被远距离打败了吗?还是我们被你的幻觉击败了?我曾经说过我们并不适合, 即使到最后我们不属于对方,我依旧希望你成为一个更好的人。这是我对于每一个人类的期许,没有一点谎言。每一次你不好意思的坦诚是我让你的坏脾气慢慢变好时,我的心坎是温热的。这是我爱一个人的方式。我曾告诉你,在我的婚礼见吧。是的,即使我们都知道彼此也许走不到最后,一切也许会成为伤痛,而然,我还是选择面对。面对这一段让我学会很多的记忆。即使我们不属于彼此,但是我们依然会成为对方希望自己好的一个个体,再去爱另一个她,好吗?

我们的感情,很直接,也挺崎岖。至少我知道,我们其实好多时候,非常的想念对方,但是没有勇气告诉对方,甚至一句晚安。聊着梦想;讨论着想研发的手机应用程式, 鸽子信使以及告知使用者运动集中地点的程式;天马行空的说着假日想要一起做的事,要一起去动物园和城邦书局;聆听彼此诉说身边朋友同事的事;大学公司发生的事故以及各自的想法,再聆听对方的看法;时而安慰,时而明确的提出自己觉得有瑕疵的地方,给予对的应对态度;对彼此的朋友同事的名字耳熟能详;聊着彼此的宠物;听着你娓娓不倦的讲解历史古迹;分享你对足球的热枕;时而耐心却参杂小调侃的解释着一些电脑方面的知识....彼此真心的度过好多的夜晚。无论这些是不是感情伊始都会因为新鲜感和空虚而有的耐心和美好,我清楚的知道我选择珍惜当下的真心。

我曾经问自己,是爱了么?还是习惯?到现在依然没有答案。但是我清楚的是,在我把心真正敞开给另一个男人之前,你是我的习惯。在每一个喜怒哀乐片刻会想到的人。我曾经问自己为什么遇到了这一段感情,这是的磨练,也是个过程。

我想我诚实的看待自己,也看待这一段不开花的爱情。因为这纪念着我的成长,当中并不只有爱情, 却包含了我们俩的成长。对人事物的看法与态度,淡而坚定。我们之间,依旧没有谁对谁错,没有任何的责怪,我们是我们。两年的时间让我逐渐蜕变,迈向另一个阶段的自己。我们总是把话说开来。至少我对你没有一丝谎言,但是我总是在蛛丝马迹里得到一种不安, 一种你还对着她的眷恋。如果你想过为了我而争取,如果你愿意让我不再为了她感到不安, 如果你能让在远方的我不感到不安..... 累了么?是的。我累了。无数次内心的挣扎与纠缠,我无法告诉任何人。原谅和不安与心痛交叉,我不知道自己到底是否坚持着对的感情,想着对的人。

我要的不是你在夜深人静时候或是工作回家路上,闲暇时候才想到的我。我答应过你的我做到了,除了还来不及亲临观看你踢足球, 其余的我知道我没有忽略。我们之间有太多还没一起实践的计划和旅途....但是一切也许敌不过时间的磨练呗。时间的洗涤告知了我该对什么事物执着,对于不被珍惜的感情我再也不想追逐缅怀,如果彼此都成熟稳重,更应该拥有勇气与诚实面对的决心。不论你选择让我依然决定放弃, 还是没有意念的让我们属于彼此,我想一切已经不是主题。

你说的爱也许不是爱。或许我们之间不是爱情,或者我们爱过但是却忘了。 爱是什么?是凌晨想到的那个声音,睁开眼想到的那个人?压力快崩溃时想到的肩膀?好几次打着“我想你” 却始终没发出讯息?你曾经对我说,四年的感情不能说忘就忘。那么我谦虚了,我们之间两年也许微不足道呗。我们彼此对于对方是不是能走到一辈子的那个人都有各自的答案,但是也许命运并不祝福这段一开始便不被认可的感情。我努力过,也知道自己也许曾经有那么的希望这段感情可以让所有人屈服。

如果我们彼此是对方的小幸运, 谢谢你出现在我的生命里。当每个人告诉我你不是真的对我好,
我选择了自己的决定,决定用真心灌溉这段感情。因为生命中每一个过客都留着她他的意义。记得当初大哥激动的拍着我的头告诉我不要让自己担起一个会让自己受伤的担子,我依稀记得自己轻声的说我愿意孤注一掷。现在想起来,我知道我又长大了。两年前我知道自己有那股劲儿愿意栽培一段感情,但现在不是了。爱情从来不是我最在乎的关键。

如果你真心想过为这段感情的未来努力,我想我也许能知道。我知道,你忘了告诉我。我选择这样的去想。我的努力我没后悔。我用文字纪念我们,也用我逝去的执着希望我们都好好地爱。呗。

如果你记得今天, 两年前的今天,两年前我们在一起的快乐,我想你的嘴角会微微上翘, 你心里的那个小孩又会让你想起我了吗?如果你在哪一天看到了这一篇文章,也许我已经开始另一段路程。但是我的文字里清晰的让你知道,我没忘记我们,哪怕我勇敢的说我曾经勇敢的纪念我们。为我们俩感到骄傲呗。还有,谢谢你成为我文字里的灵感,我也想谢谢你,成了我完成两年硕士文凭的重要灵魂之一。谢谢你在我烦恼压抑时候聆听,支持我并对我有信心。为了这个决定,当初我们分开了。但是我从不后悔,我知道我要的是什么。也许没能在毕业典礼之时拥抱你,但我想让你知道我没忘记你。

你清楚我的倔强和坚定,是你喜欢我的其中一点,我想你知道的,我是流着眼泪打完这一篇文章的。

歌:曲婉婷_承认
你曾经爱过的宝贝。




Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Midnight remedy


I have thousands of why,
I still hold on those pinky promises,
I still believe there is true love,
Even though my heart has never believed in it,
 I still believe in heartbeats and how my heart flutters when I read your nickname

Because I believe.
A love can be loved
When it is loved with love

I make the effort from far,
loving from a distance,
making sure this love is well-protected.
Now I question:
                 If this love isn't planned to be lasted,                  
why shall it be sparkled then? 
   
Did you just say to wait for you? It sounded just like yesterday.          
And who are we today.

Sunday, 12 March 2017

爱呢?爱吗?




放弃是一种执着,
执着于寻找说服自己放弃的原因,
因为寻找这理由的同时,
一切关于彼此共同的回忆一直在。
 曾经想要依靠彼此的彼此,
 却只止步于时间的浮云。
原来这白布
 不属于任何人。

模棱两可的爱
 谁要。

Friday, 23 December 2016

Love ?


It isn't love, when you don't even care.

Day after day and years after years.

Pinky promises and sleepless nights.

Sudden awake, telling us human: Love is effort.
 
The effort which I am sure I could give you, but I never believe I  could be loved in the similar way. 

 Let all you do be done love.

I did, but should I?

Monday, 25 July 2016

Please allow me


I made a promise to myself
If one day
I could no longer see anything
Nor 
I could no longer hear anything
I would not be sad
But I left my only worries behind
I know I would have not able to see how mommy look as time goes by

So I promise myself
Not to be sad for myself
But be sad for not able to see mommy getting old

Dear heart,
Please tell me how should I carry on
I have been giving my smile my energy to the people surround
I keep everything to myself
I give the best to them
I spread my laughter to the people I love
I guide them at their best
I love them in my way
But what has gotten in return
All the tolerance and understanding are replied blindly
I don't want karma
I don't want good deed

I don't want.
Where has my happiness gone to
Don't I deserve a lil piece of happiness
Don't I deserve someone who loves me
Don't I deserve some ordinary life rhythm
Don't I deserve some chasing of dream
Don't I deserve some beautiful pace of life
Don't I deserve a debris of freedom of thought
Don't I deserve to be appreciated

How should I persuade myself that
"Hey it's right for you to be contented, appreciative and positive in everything and everyone.
You have influenced many people in good
And you feel the breathe of peace eventually"

I don't get this.

All I need is a way out
And all I have is my own.


Oh hell no
The negatives are freaking me out


Tuesday, 7 June 2016

怎么我流泪了


我以为我不会再哭
原来一个月后的那天,我在醉酒中哭了。



當我必須像個完美的小孩
滿足所有人的期待
你卻好像 格外欣賞
我犯錯犯傻的模樣

Sunday, 15 May 2016

Eleventh May: Thank you, Nicky.


Thank you very much, Nicky.
Mommy texted me early morning wishing me a blessed birthday. I rolled my eyes from my sleepy morning, replied her thanks for giving birth to me and stay healthy so we can shopping together when I have more money.This has been my dream upon my mom that I am pushing myself hard, to give her a good life. She then replied me: Thank you for be my DAUGHTER.Well I dont know why she put the word daughter in capital letter bt I know she really meant it.

In the afternoon, she called and wished me again. Asked me if theres cake inside campus. I told her not to worried I have eaten twice with Nicky and friends. She said, Ouhh, do you want Pizza? Let me tell Nicky to order some Pizza for you, OK? I was touched, because she knew I used to like Pizza when I was young but didnt get the chance to eat because mom didnt really want to buy me hahas. Yet she doesnt know now I have no longer have the quench for Pizza nemore.

How I love her more and more. I thank God or whatever gods up there, for sending Nicky as my guidance angel, being by my side for these two years until mom, dad and kor told me , You have a good friend ya. I know who love me and how much I love back. Shes very annoying sometimes and very straightforward when she knows I was hurt in some love matter. She is always there for me but really I wish shes even happier than me because she deserves every debris of good deed. Dia anak Tuhan, and I know Tuhan loves us right. Well am saying this not because she made me a marathon birthday week but I know she is a good lady, sometimes stubborn but still OK lah.

Mom always tell me 近朱者赤,近墨者黑,whoever type of friend you mix with, you will be influenced in their way. And am glad Nicky and I influenced each other in good ways, good virtues and positive auras, no matter in studies, people, family and life experience. Everytime we are in strange place or even danger, we hold our hands tight and be steady, never tend to surrender. Sometimes she teases at me, Wey youre too positive lah. But shes actually keen to those positive ways that I teach her.


Dear god and Nicky's Tuhan, please protect her and surround her with good peoples. Love you 🐸


Thursday, 24 March 2016

We are your ATM


On mom's birthday eve, she received her second gift from the courier at hometown. I sent her a box of multi presents on the next day I returned from field trip. She called up and expressed how appreciate she was on the gift and laughed on the gifts I bought for her: A purple T-shirt (her favorite colour) for her cooking time, a packet of Bubuk from Sibu, a packet of Kuachi for dad, two hair clips from Nicky and I, two vanilla muffin from Sugar Bun (she likes muffin and I wanted to let her try on Sugar Bun's vanilla muffin, it is tasty!) and, an underclothes I bought for her casual time wearing like gardening and cooking. She couldn't help but laughed on my weird presents. It was after she received the first gift two weeks ago from Kor and I, two Korean noodles Aluminum pot imported from Korean.

During the night, I laid on the bed and asked myself how old is she after tonight.
I counted, Deducted from 2016. And I cried.
I used to avoid counting her age since I could understand what age is. I never felt she is getting aged because she is always pretty and beautiful in all means. Trust me, she used to be my proud whenever she went to my school during school days, all my friends and teachers said she is beautiful.

But tonight I cried and I asked my best roommate, "Nicky, how old is your mom?" "60."
"You miss your mom?" She asked next. Well sometimes this demon knows me a lil bit well.

I have had a very very hard time with my mom since young. Well it would be a very long long looong story if I were to write it out, even though am only living on this earth for 20 plus years. Unless, anyone wants to sponsor a publication for me? Okay, am half kidding.

Many of my friends were thinking am afraid of my mom and being a mommy's girl. I kept mum. Because no one knows why am I doing the way that I did not want to offend, because she had a very tough life before I came to this world. She doesn't deserve anymore anger, worries, hardship and whatever negatives noun you could say. And I proved to all her worries, I am not preferring to be protected under her wing, I proved to her my path, my choices in the past stages of life and now, I know I am getting nearer to what she wants in her coming remaining life. I have to let her feel the security in the sense of heart but not material and money, but am still running on the track, for all aspect.

For times I pray to whatever god there is above me: Please give her another 50 years. By that time I will be 70 plus and I could tell my 3-4 children: "Yo, this is your fierce granny, don't call her Wai Po, call her Popo." 

Too many things I have come through, and she is my only means of living. Am not being romanticized, but I guess god sent me to her, and my awesome brother, to protect her, to love her in our own and different way. Sometimes I ask myself, is it true if we are good, we will be gifted back good? If you know me, I am being positive in most of the things I encounter. But beats me, sometimes I don't think if you are kind and good, you will be hit the same. I encounter many times, I asked myself is that fault to advice my friends on something that harm them? Is that wrong to get away from something I know is way out of the right? Is that wrong to be disciplined BUT not schematic? You got mocked and insulted instead of being appreciated. Well, my mom is a kind lady, but she went through much hardship. I asked the earth, why you'd given my mom such path? And I answered myself (because I know earth wouldn't answer me): "But the earth gifted her me and brother."

And since when I realized, materials and value are no longer mean much to her. Everytime she called up and tried to talk to me with the tone she is afraid of disturbing me, I tell her is okay you can always talk to me. Because it is my obligation to listen. She is such a strict mom that she only start to talk to be when she finally accept that am A LITTLE grown-up after I decided to take on my second degree studies as postgraduate student in UNIMAS, a decision of mine that wrap her within. She started to talk to me heart-to-heart and tell me how she feels every time she is sad and down. Often I try to make her think in positive manner, solve her worries and ease her up. In return, she teaches me all the principle and rules in life, guide me even when I was hit by very teriible people and stuff. She would strictly lecture me first then comes her advice telling me to LEARN. Not to give up and be tough. This trains me, how to be tough in being alone.
Wait, of course, she is still the demon whenever she scolds and lectures me.

One fine day during my second year of degree, I found out that: I don't always like her, but I always love her.

For sometimes, I felt bad for leaving her alone with dad that sometimes I really want to say thank you to dad for being a dad. The morning when she unwrapped the first birthday we sent to her, I was in Rantau Kemiding, ready to set off to a village opposite the river. She called up and just couldn't hide her excitement to receive her long-longing pot. Again, I know this lil trivial matter is what she finds happy NOW. No longer the days when she was in Australia, Hong Kong wherever she flied, but now what she wants is: She could get the lil tiny things that she wants. And what means much to her was, her children try to get the stuff for her sincerely. She doesn't ask for 2K bucks, but she called umpteen times to mumble me for sending pocket money to her every month. I insisted for the little amount because I know that little amount gives her a sense of knowing that her children have grown up and knowing their responsibility in life.

Little did I know, they never want to look at the amount, but they smile for our cautiousness on repaying bit by bit to them, not in money but in heart. We couldn't never pay off allll the total amount they have dumped on us. Never.

But what I could do is, I do what I could.

On the night like this, I ain't going to post a picture to wish her happy birthday. But I want to express how I know I have a great mom. Last night when I returned from a teaching session with the Final Year Project students, she called up and shared a story with me. She went to the optical shop nearby my previous teaching center and talked to the young boy who has been working there since two years ago. Mom encouraged him not to give up in studies and get a better job to earn himself a better living. She felt so heartache looking at him a decent boy working very hard everyday wiping the door and glass. Of course, what she meant wasn't that it is a bad job but he deserves a brighter prospect because she told me "I have a son too, I know how a mom feels if she sees her son working like this with some of his hair start turning grey."

I know my partner in future will be having a great mom, one day.

Before I went off to another meeting, I texted her: "Mm thank you for doing a good deed, proud of you."

She told me earlier the other day, when she called up to have random talk. " Ris you must take care and be happy. Mommy wants you to be happy, really happy, not only showing you're happy but deep in heart you must be happy. Find a good husband and be happy in your life, only that I will be happy."

How she knows am not happy, HAHAS. 

And what made me hid my tears was she said, " Anything let me know, I am your ATM." 
I teased at her, "Wow, so rich uh?"
"No, it is just that I will help you because you all are my children."

I know money means a lot in this capitalist-dominated world, but many times I know time can't wait for a mountain of money. We try in all means, starting from being a debit card to her until one day we become her ATM.


Thursday, 3 March 2016

做就对了




在最压抑的夜晚从桌面上丛丛书堆里揪出刘同的书 暂时逃避我不想去想的问题。
这几天我无不想念,但想念又如何。
 一目目以为已经遗忘的画面片片划过眼角,
原来我在疲倦的时候既然不介意浪费力气应酬八个月前和期间的记忆。
想念只是压力的奢侈和压迫的海市蜃楼。
会过去的。
只要做得最好我不信胜利不是属于我的。
 只要做得好,做得最好。
行的。

刘同倒也写出少许催促悸动的句子:
人与人之间的关系一开始都很简单,只是相识之后,才会随着时间与相知而变得越来越复杂。(048)
兴趣可以用来打发青春时光, 而专注是可以发财的。(039)
“我知道你干这的这件事并不仅仅是热爱,而是专注。”(044)

专注。 专注。

后天又要早晨出发。
每每行程回来,一次次重复的节奏,
看着自己晒黑了的脸庞,我提醒自己要让一切值回票价,
别让本就该死的一死给浪费了。

我需要一排丛林,一排由百年老树撑起的小径,在繁华都市中的或是乡间的也行,
和一本从最爱的网络书店订购的书,一本可以随时和最喜欢的人分享内容的书,
倦了坐着,闲了走着。
时儿独自,时儿有你在我的右手边。

最幸苦时候的解脱呗。

做就对了。


Monday, 8 February 2016

想念又如何


想念又如何

假如没有明天
我们能说好
   我能说走吧?
 
领着我 离开
一个人的单打
 
走到最后之前
我还是坚持这场战赛

 人固有一死
 即便这是场灾难
 至少毋缺重于泰山的觉悟

我在文字里许愿
我在文字里想念

但是
想念又如何

 我还是假装听不见
你的提问

假装多好
疲惫多伤
 把我灌醉
 让我已经分不清
我想念的是什么

我对你的好
曾动摇

对的人 不对的时间
错的人 对的时间
却都放不掉